Apparently, the public relations wing of the Somali Pirate conglomeration is producing a livejournal blog of little value and less foresight. GNA Worldwide and, specifically, the good crew of the G.S. Patience stomached and ignored such pretension and comeuppance as inevitable in these unbridled internet days.
Unfortunately for these vagabonds, though, injury was added to insult in recent posts mocking the late, great Bea Arthur. Included are such ham-fisted vulgarities as:
Many people don’t know this, but Bea Arthur was the provincial governor of southern Somalia for a few years earlier this decade. The western press calls our provincial governors “warlords” but they are just being biased assholes. Bea Arthur was a leader, a philosopher, a friend and a patriot.
Gen. Arthur ran her territory with an iron fist but a warm heart. I was down there, visiting family when she pulled into our village one day, riding in the back of a Jeep with a helmet, an AK-47, and a smile. There was a dispute about a stolen chicken, and she leapt out of the jeep and spoke with the concerned parties. As she spoke to Wendy, our town trollup, I could not help but remember her speaking to Blanche on the Golden Girls.
Anyway, she resolved the mess by shooting one of the women in the face. Her sense of justice had a certain understated elegance that I will carry with me in my heart always.
And:
It was August 2002 and Gen. Bea Arthur of the Southern Somali Command was consolidating her power. She rode into town with her gang of marauders on a hot and hazy afternoon. She saw a man standing on the edge of a bridge, preparing to jump into the ravine below and take his own life.
She approached the man and told him to stop. She offered to show him what his town would have become if he had never lived. She then shot four nearby pedestrians and said “they would be dead, just like this.” The man realized how valuable his life was and got off of the bridge.
Little do these small-boat bastards know that Ms. Arthur is a G.S. Patience plankowner and former shipmate. Her influence was paramount in convincing our cherished investors to fund installation of our now world renowned deck gun and the acquisition of a respectable clutch of Russian UGST torpedoes (in addition to the weapons systems upgrades required to support these beautiful fish). Without Ms. Arthur’s support, our ship would not enjoy her current successes as a privately held, submerged warfighter and transport vessel.
Unfortunately for these small minded prepubescents, the G.S. Patience is presently under contract to assist in the pirate reduction (irony!) effort and is transiting to the Somali coast. Although their row boats are too small to target with our newly acquired torpedoes, we will make great sport of them with our deck gun. We may even spear a few from periscope depth with our snorkel mast, sneering all the while, to appropriately display our spite and derision.
Did I mention that a Somali pirate isn’t even a real pirate? They have no stern jaws or cocky smiles. Our contempt and disdain for them know no bounds.
