After discovering his ability to control time, Cranston Staigne embarks on a drunken escapade across three continents with his cohort Tom. During their travels, the pair commit numerous crimes, evade authorities, and cheat death. It’s magnificent decadence and dereliction as they explore unlimited power and unrepentant failure.
As previously reported, The original TTFF ending didn’t survive the editor’s laser-accurate scalpel. I’ve cleaned the original final chapters up a bit and am providing them to you, my loyal readers, for the low, low price of FREE.
This Extended Edition Ending is available in PDF format. Remember, though, don’t read this extended ending before reading the published version. That would be fucking ridiculous.
This download is not the entire eBook, just the extended ending.
It’s truly true, shipmates. The fine, fine folks over at Why Did You Write That have interviewed me, your favorite drunken jag! How about checking it out?
What is hiding in your closet as we speak? Foul intentions.
What, to you, is absolutely wrong? Being dishonest with yourself. It’s fine, and often required, to be dishonest with others. You shouldn’t bull**** yourself, though.
What is the best advice you’ve ever received? Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps smooth over life’s rough spots.
“As for the story – well, what’s that Emily Dickinson quote? “If I read a book and it makes my whole body so cold no fire can warm me, I know that is poetry”? Well, the end of Cranston’s narration definitely left me cold. And, the continuation of the story told by Tom (that can be found on Warren’s website, malum.org, free to download) definitely drives the message of the story home.”
“Like Oscar Wilde and The Picture of Dorian Gray before him, Warren Haustrumerda takes you on a moral journey that is in parts incredibly funny and in others really sad – but a thoroughly satisfying read all-round.”
How did you come up with the character of Cranston?
Warren Haustrumerda: Cranston was easy. I wrote a character made up mostly of the worst qualities I’ve observed in myself. I basically asked myself what I would have done as a young man given the ability to stop time. You know what? It would have been pretty bad. Not now, of course, what with a wonderful wife and children to keep me grounded. But in my early 20s? It would have ended poorly, to say the least.
I also love the SOB, which I think is required to build a connection between characters in a story and the reader. This is especially important when the character is as vile and off-putting as Cranston sometimes is.
Having just discovered the Google search video creator thing that has probably been around forever, I’ve created a Tall Tales of Felony and Failure search video using my awesome computer skills. Nothing but good can come of this!
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez gave a vague account Wednesday of the country’s military chasing off an unidentified foreign submarine allegedly caught trespassing in the South American nation’s territorial waters.
Chavez said the encounter with the mysterious vessel occurred Tuesday and “it took flight, it was chased, but escaped because it was much faster.”
“Luckily our sailors and our people did not fall for provocation,” he said.
That’s right, shipmates. I’ve just invented a new way to grill using beer that I brewed with my very own, filthy hands. I’ve named this new, never-before-accomplished cooking technique “I mother fucking hate this chicken and will desecrate its corpse in the most shameful way possible”.
(You may be aware of the similar, though in no way comparable, technique “beer can chicken“. Mine was first, though, so get bent.)
Shipmates! I’m afraid I’ve been negligent and derelict in my responsibilities as a confirmed Homebrewer by not exposing you all to the Awesomeness that is Making Your Own Beer. To compensate, I’ll now walk you through the wonderland that was last Winter’s Pale Ale Brew Day, which resulted in 5 gallons of hoppy wonderfulnessosity.
Please note that I only brew about twice a year and this is only my second all-grain batch, so I respectfully request any brewing savants out there not judge me too harshly.
Don’t be the last of your friends to install this free, life-changing application, shipmates. Use your Android cellular phone to clicky-clicky this picky-picky for millions in prizes:
In slightly unrelated news, the original ending was apparently quite terrible and did not survive editing. I’ll most likely polish that turd and post it here at malum.org as a freebie epilogue. I wouldn’t recommend reading the ending without preceding it with the beginning, though, because that wouldn’t make any sense at all.
It looks like BAE Systems is joining the fight against piracy using a (proposed) Neodymium Yttrium Aluminium Garnet (wtf?) laser. That’s right, the hair removal laser is joining the fight against Somali piracy.
We agree. Those damned smallboat thugs tarnish the image of dashing, private enterprise submarine-based wealth acquirers and lifestealers, and deserve some lasering.
Now, if we could only integrate these lasers with advanced shark technology…
Anyway, once BAE’s moved past the “non-lethal” spectrum with this laser-firing device, we may look to purchase an install on the PATIENCE. I hear that, with BAE, money talks, so we should be able to overcome any pesky regulatory hurdles.
By “Big Screen”, we mean internet site that lets you make YouTube videos using Legos or something. I don’t know much, but I know you’ll love this bit of dramatization from soon-to-be (well, eventually, anyway) published tale, “Tall Tales of Felony and Failure”! As much effort was applied in this production as was warranted! Hurray!
Also, a never-seen-before sexy finish, like in Thailand!
Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is about the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen. It’s available on DVD and Netflix’s streaming service. If anyone knows where to get the soundtrack, give me a shout (can’t seem to find it, but my internetting is weak).
Shoot-outs, robberies, gas-huffing , drug dealing, pill popping, murders, and tap dancing – what do these all have in common? These are just a few of the parts of being a member of the Wild and Wonderful White Family. The legendary family is as known for their wild, excessive criminal ways as they are for their famous mountain dancing members, including Jesco White, the star of the cult classic documentary, Dancing Outlaw. Exploring both the comic and tragic sides of life on the other side of the law, this stylish, fast-paced family portrait exposes the powerful forces of corruption, poverty, and West Virginia’s environmentally and culturally devastating coal mining culture that helped shape the White family, a dying breed of outlaws preserving a dying form of dance.
Select at least $40 worth of magnificent, conscientiously priced TTFF Submarine Pirate swag.
Add either the Netbook Sleeve or the Laptop Sleeve to your cart.
During purchase checkout at the “Shopping Cart” screen, enter the coupon code FREESLEEVE (for the U.S.) or CADFREESLEEVE (for Canada) (apparently the majority of foreigners cannot partake).
Your FREEportable computer sleeve is now on its way, in addition to the other quality Submarine Pirate gear you were forced to order to qualify for the free sleeve! Congratulations!
In case you’re not yet convinced that you need one of these fine, free portable computer sleeves, please read this timely product description:
This padded sleeve is a perfect home for your netbook or laptop. It protects your Netbook or Laptop from scratches and provides extra safety and flexibility when you are on the go with your computer. Perfect for trips to the office, campus or trendy café.
Did you catch that? Trendy Café! There’s an apostrophe over the “e”!
Note that the Netbook Sleeve fits Netbooks up to 12″ while the Laptop Sleeve fits Laptops up to 15″.
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