Jul 162011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

Welcome to malum.org, the official Tall Tales of Felony and Failure website.  This glorious story is now available for your eReader devices at Amazon.com!

After discovering his ability to control time, Cranston Staigne embarks on a drunken escapade across three continents with his cohort Tom. During their travels, the pair commit numerous crimes, evade authorities, and cheat death. It’s magnificent decadence and dereliction as they explore unlimited power and unrepentant failure.

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Jan 312012

It’s truly true, shipmates.  The fine, fine folks over at Why Did You Write That have interviewed me, your favorite drunken jag!  How about checking it out?

What is hiding in your closet as we speak?
Foul intentions.

What, to you, is absolutely wrong?
Being dishonest with yourself. It’s fine, and often required, to be dishonest with others. You shouldn’t bull**** yourself, though.

What is the best advice you’ve ever received?
Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps smooth over life’s rough spots.

Plus, many more sage sayings and inanities!

Jan 282012

OpenBookSociety has posted a tremendous and glorious review of Tall Tales of Felony and Failure!  

“As for the story – well, what’s that Emily Dickinson quote? “If I read a book and it makes my whole body so cold no fire can warm me, I know that is poetry”? Well, the end of Cranston’s narration definitely left me cold. And, the continuation of the story told by Tom (that can be found on Warren’s website, malum.org, free to download) definitely drives the message of the story home.”

Hey, thanks OpenBookSociety, that’s pretty sweet!  What, there’s more?

“Like Oscar Wilde and The Picture of Dorian Gray before him, Warren Haustrumerda takes you on a moral journey that is in parts incredibly funny and in others really sad – but a thoroughly satisfying read all-round.”

Oh Em Gee there is even more awesomeness to revel in, right here at this internet link!  I’m fucking blushing.

Jan 272012

Hey folks!  How about heading over to OpenBookSociety to check out their exclusive interview of your very own brewer, pirate, author, and derelict, Warren Haustrumerda!  That’s me!

A Sampling!

Recently I had the pleasure of reading and reviewing Warren Haustumerda’s dark novella “Tall Tales of Felony and Failure” and also getting to chat to the  an behind the mayhem. Here’s what he had to say for himself…

How did you come up with the character of Cranston?

Warren Haustrumerda: Cranston was easy. I wrote a character made up mostly of the worst qualities I’ve observed in myself. I basically asked myself what I would have done as a young man given the ability to stop time. You know what? It would have been pretty bad. Not now, of course, what with a wonderful wife and children to keep me grounded. But in my early 20s? It would have ended poorly, to say the least.

I also love the SOB, which I think is required to build a connection between characters in a story and the reader. This is especially important when the character is as vile and off-putting as Cranston sometimes is.

Tall Tales of Felony and Failure, Shipmates!


Dec 302011

Having just discovered the Google search video creator thing that has probably been around forever, I’ve created a Tall Tales of Felony and Failure search video using my awesome computer skills.  Nothing but good can come of this!

Tall Tales of Felony and Failure on YouTube Search Stories

Nov 132011

As reported by the Wall Street Journal:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez gave a vague account Wednesday of the country’s military chasing off an unidentified foreign submarine allegedly caught trespassing in the South American nation’s territorial waters.

Chavez said the encounter with the mysterious vessel occurred Tuesday and “it took flight, it was chased, but escaped because it was much faster.” 

“Luckily our sailors and our people did not fall for provocation,” he said.

OK, Hugo, a few points: Continue reading »

Nov 052011
Not too shabby

That’s right, shipmates.  I’ve just invented a new way to grill using beer that I brewed with my very own, filthy hands.  I’ve named this new, never-before-accomplished cooking technique “I mother fucking hate this chicken and will desecrate its corpse in the most shameful way possible”.  

(You may be aware of the similar, though in no way comparable, technique “beer can chicken“.  Mine was first, though, so get bent.) 

The process, with pictures!

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Aug 012011
Last beer of the batch being consumed (I space them out between store-bought brews).  Pretty damn tasty!  Need to order ingredients for another batch now...

Shipmates!  I’m afraid I’ve been negligent and derelict in my responsibilities as a confirmed Homebrewer by not exposing you all to the Awesomeness that is Making Your Own Beer.  To compensate, I’ll now walk you through the wonderland that was last Winter’s Pale Ale Brew Day, which resulted in 5 gallons of hoppy wonderfulnessosity.  

Please note that I only brew about twice a year and this is only my second all-grain batch, so I respectfully request any brewing savants out there not judge me too harshly.

Let’s begin this pictorial adventure!

The grain bill. Barley Barley Barley!

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Jul 312011

You can now enjoy the breathtaking adventure that is Malum.org and Tall Tales of Felony and Failure directly on you Android Smartphone Devices!  Technology!

Don’t be the last of your friends to install this free, life-changing application, shipmates.  Use your Android cellular phone to clicky-clicky this picky-picky for millions in prizes: 








Mar 072011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

The Swedes discovered a sunken Whiskey Class submarine at the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

A Swedish Navy spokesperson confirmed today that they have no interest in conducting further investigation into the matter. The Navy claims that pictures taken by the measurement company clearly show that the submarine had sunk while being towed (to be scrapped, it is assumed) and showed no signs of damage from external weaponry fire and therefore couldn’t have sunk while being on a covert mission in Swedish waters.

That’s what they want you to think, anyway. They’ve actually just located the PATIENCE Mk 1. We were wondering where we parked her. Thanks Swedes!

Fler bilder från ubåtsfyndet i Östersjön (foreign talk for pics of the vessel)

Also, buy my ebook!  It’s cheap and will rock your world!


Jan 162011

It looks like BAE Systems is joining the fight against piracy using a (proposed) Neodymium Yttrium Aluminium Garnet (wtf?) laser.  That’s right, the hair removal laser is joining the fight against Somali piracy.

Despite the commonly held view – among schoolboys anyway – of pirates as a bunch of peg-legged, eye-patch wearing scurvy dogs from the 1700’s (or thereabouts), maritime piracy continues to be a serious problem – and it’s on the rise. To combat this scourge of the seas BAE Systems has developed a non-lethal laser designed to act as a deterrent against pirate attacks on commercial vessels, such as oil tankers and container ships.

We agree.  Those damned smallboat thugs tarnish the image of dashing, private enterprise submarine-based wealth acquirers and lifestealers, and deserve some lasering.

Now, if we could only integrate these lasers with advanced shark technology…

No, their [sic] not going to get some sharks and mount frickin laser beams on their heads.


Anyway, once BAE’s moved past the “non-lethal” spectrum with this laser-firing device, we may look to purchase an install on the PATIENCE.  I hear that, with BAE, money talks, so we should be able to overcome any pesky regulatory hurdles.

Jan 072011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

By “Big Screen”, we mean internet site that lets you make YouTube videos using Legos or something.  I don’t know much, but I know you’ll love this bit of dramatization from soon-to-be (well, eventually, anyway) published tale, “Tall Tales of Felony and Failure”!  As much effort was applied in this production as was warranted!  Hurray!

Also, a never-seen-before sexy finish, like in Thailand!

A substandard existence meets little resistance.

Oct 292010

Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is about the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s available on DVD and Netflix’s streaming service.  If anyone knows where to get the soundtrack, give me a shout (can’t seem to find it, but my internetting is weak).

It makes me miss home.

In case you’re not convinced yet:

Shoot-outs, robberies, gas-huffing , drug dealing, pill popping, murders, and tap dancing – what do these all have in common? These are just a few of the parts of being a member of the Wild and Wonderful White Family. The legendary family is as known for their wild, excessive criminal ways as they are for their famous mountain dancing members, including Jesco White, the star of the cult classic documentary, Dancing Outlaw. Exploring both the comic and tragic sides of life on the other side of the law, this stylish, fast-paced family portrait exposes the powerful forces of corruption, poverty, and West Virginia’s environmentally and culturally devastating coal mining culture that helped shape the White family, a dying breed of outlaws preserving a dying form of dance.

Apr 232010
Submarine Pirate Ensign

From an angry blog lady’s internet website:

The good news is, apparently the crew on our ship didn’t take their cue from this bunch of Yahoos on the submarine USS Hartford, who rammed the USS New Orleans while slacking off, disappearing from their posts, and listening to iPods while navigating a US Submarine. Since this is the quality of sailor we are now recruiting, maybe the bathtub whackos might get lucky next time. I feel so much safer knowing that our new generation of Naval recruits are out there doing what they do best:   iPod Patrol.

Don’t blame her, though, she voted for Hillary, apparently justifying all uninformed statements she may make regarding submariners.

God bless her, and God bless you, Tiny Tim.

Apr 132010
Submarine Pirate Ensign



Kapolei, HI, April 12, 2010 – GNA Worldwide subsidiary Malum.org, home of the online novella Tall Tales of Felony and Failure (TTFF), proudly announces its recent partnering with Spreadshirt Inc. This marriage of Spreadshirt’s manufacturing prowess with Malum.org’s world renown Intellectual Property was key to the timely completion and successful opening of the most aggressive Malum.org Online Retail Division project yet, the Submarine Pirate Shop.

The Submarine Pirate Shop combines the much loved and sought after TTFF brand with eye-catching and durable Spreadshirt “Famous” Inc. products ranging from clothing to accessories such as tote bags and satchels.

When asked to comment, William Taker, Malum.org’s Under Registrant of Over Compensation, responded, “This partnership allows Malum.org, a GNA Worldwide subsidiary, to benefit from the additional income generated by the Submarine Pirate Shop without assuming any of the financial risk associated with actually making things. Spreadshirt “Famous” Inc., meanwhile, may now enjoy the staggering notoriety associated with the fine, fine TTFF brand. It’s a complete win-win for both companies, and we’re all excruciatingly excited.”

Additional information may be found at www.Malum.org.

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