The Best Goddamn Movie You Will Ever See

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Oct 292010
 

Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is about the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s available on DVD and Netflix’s streaming service.  If anyone knows where to get the soundtrack, give me a shout (can’t seem to find it, but my internetting is weak).

It makes me miss home.



In case you’re not convinced yet:

Shoot-outs, robberies, gas-huffing , drug dealing, pill popping, murders, and tap dancing – what do these all have in common? These are just a few of the parts of being a member of the Wild and Wonderful White Family. The legendary family is as known for their wild, excessive criminal ways as they are for their famous mountain dancing members, including Jesco White, the star of the cult classic documentary, Dancing Outlaw. Exploring both the comic and tragic sides of life on the other side of the law, this stylish, fast-paced family portrait exposes the powerful forces of corruption, poverty, and West Virginia’s environmentally and culturally devastating coal mining culture that helped shape the White family, a dying breed of outlaws preserving a dying form of dance.

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Free Laptop and Netbook Sleeves at the Submarine Pirate Store – Through October 1st Only!

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Sep 072010
 
Free Portable Computer Sleeve!

Update 10/1/2010:  The deal is All Done, Nevermore!

That’s right, kiddos.  Through October 1st only, a $40 purchase at the Submarine Pirate Store entitles you to a FREE Laptop or Netbook sleeve!

“But Warren“, you ask, “how doth I partake of this fine, free opportunity?”  Well queried, monkey!  Here you go:

  1. Visit the Submarine Pirate Store.
  2. Select at least $40 worth of magnificent, conscientiously priced TTFF Submarine Pirate swag.
  3. Add either the Netbook Sleeve or the Laptop Sleeve to your cart.
  4. During purchase checkout at the “Shopping Cart” screen, enter the coupon code FREESLEEVE (for the U.S.) or CADFREESLEEVE (for Canada) (apparently the majority of foreigners cannot partake).
  5. Your FREE portable computer sleeve is now on its way, in addition to the other quality Submarine Pirate gear you were forced to order to qualify for the free sleeve!  Congratulations!

In case you’re not yet convinced that you need one of these fine, free portable computer sleeves, please read this timely product description:

This padded sleeve is a perfect home for your netbook or laptop. It protects your Netbook or Laptop from scratches and provides extra safety and flexibility when you are on the go with your computer. Perfect for trips to the office, campus or trendy café.

Did you catch that?  Trendy Café!  There’s an apostrophe over the “e”!

Note that the Netbook Sleeve fits Netbooks up to 12″ while the Laptop Sleeve fits Laptops up to 15″.

 

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More Facebook Fun

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Jul 092010
 

Once upon a time someone wisely decided not to befriend my DBA Facebook page.  It seems, though, that this wisdom was eventually disregarded, and that this person is very literal.

This:

 

Devolved into this:

 

YES!  Our fairest friend also deliciously delivered on a previous comment:

I love Facebook and people!

 

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Official Press Release – FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION

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May 212010
 
Submarine Pirate Ensign

It’s on the internet, so it must be legit:

Kapolei, HI, May 21, 2010 – GNA Worldwide subsidiary Malum.org, home of the impeccable novella Tall Tales of Felony and Failure (TTFF), proudly announces its recent partnering with Wild Child Publishing. This marriage combines Wild Child Publishing’s professionalism with Malum.org’s world renown Intellectual Property, and dovetails nicely with the opening of the most aggressive Malum.org Online Retail Division project yet, the Submarine Pirate Shop.

When asked to comment, William Taker, Malum.org’s Under Registrant of Over Compensation, responded, “This partnership allows Malum.org, a GNA Worldwide subsidiary, to benefit from the additional income generated through sales of our sad, sad tale by Wild Child Publishing without assuming any of the financial risk associated with actually producing things. Wild Child “Famous” Publishing, meanwhile, may now enjoy the staggering notoriety associated with the fine, fine TTFF brand. This strategy is eerily reminiscent of our similar partnering with Spreadshirt Inc., resulting in the wildly successful Submarine Pirate Shop. It’s a complete win-win for each company involved, and we’re all excruciatingly excited.”

Continue reading »

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Uppity Cat Lady Snipes US Navy Submariners

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Apr 232010
 
Submarine Pirate Ensign

From an angry blog lady’s internet website:

The good news is, apparently the crew on our ship didn’t take their cue from this bunch of Yahoos on the submarine USS Hartford, who rammed the USS New Orleans while slacking off, disappearing from their posts, and listening to iPods while navigating a US Submarine. Since this is the quality of sailor we are now recruiting, maybe the bathtub whackos might get lucky next time. I feel so much safer knowing that our new generation of Naval recruits are out there doing what they do best:   iPod Patrol.

Don’t blame her, though, she voted for Hillary, apparently justifying all uninformed statements she may make regarding submariners.

God bless her, and God bless you, Tiny Tim.

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USS HARDER WWII Patrol Report

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Feb 162009
 
Submarine Pirate Ensign

The USS HARDER’s (SS 257) Fifth Patrol Report is online at the National Archive’s Navy Records site.  The three page report is also available right here on malum.org.

Some prime examples of the crew’s unquantifiable excellence:

Bridge lookout sighted float type plane; – close.  Made quick dive to 120 feet.  Bomb exploded as we passed 75 feet; – also close!  The sub was thoroughly shaken and the event resulted in an early and prompt reveille for all hands but no damage of a serious nature was sustained.

At 3000 yards, both destroyers zigged 30 degrees to their right… and the picture became “just what the doctor ordered” for the HARDER.  At a range of 1000 yards on the nearest target, both destroyers were overlapping, with a 100 degree port track showing.  Gyros were near zero and torpedoes set for running at 6 feet.

Sighted aircraft… flying at a height of 100 feet, coming in off our starboard quarter and almost on top of us… He whizzed by the starboard beam at a range of about 100 yards!

Submerged to 150 feet.

First aerial bomb.  Not close.

Second aerial bomb; – damned close.  Increased depth to 200 feet.

And, in case you you think these events didn’t induce a pucker factor of at least 8 on the men experiencing them, a small, understated disclaimer is included in this report:

The above listed pandemonium may not be in exact chronological order but is as accurate as the happenings over that eventful few minutes can be remembered.

I can’t believe the amount of brass these WWII submariners carried onboard.  Submarine piracy via the G.S. PATIENCE may have its small adventures, but there is no way in hell we’d face off against two destroyers.  You can bank that promise.

On August 24th, 1944, during her following patrol, the HARDER and her crew were lost outside of Dasol Bay (Philippines).

At 0828 she (Japanese Patrol Boat No. 102) commenced a lethal series of depth charge runs, each charge set to detonate at a depth greater than the last. Somewhere below, the gallant HARDER was firmly bracketed, and the fifth salvo touched off explosions that finally ended the lives and career of HARDER and her entire crew.

“Hit ‘Em Again, Harder.“

Continue reading »

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The Fringes of the Fleet – Rudyard Kipling

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Feb 152009
 

THE FRINGES OF THE FLEET

By Rudyard Kipling

FOURTH ARTICLE

“Tin Fish”

1914-18

The ships destroy us above
And ensnare us beneath.
We arise, we lie down, and we move
In the belly of death.

The ships have a thousand eyes
To mark where we come . . .
And the mirth of a seaport dies
When our blow gets home.

 

We agree with this poetous bastard.  A submariner’s life is a perilous life but, where they tread, doom follows.

In the case of the G.S. PATIENCE, doom and felony.

In The Fringes of the Fleet, Kipling also discussed the surface ship community’s low opinion of submarines:

The Trawlers seem to look on mines as more or less fairplay. But with the torpedo it is otherwise. A Yarmouth man lay on his hatch, his gear neatly stowed away below, and told me that another Yarmouth boat had “gone up,” with all hands except one. “‘Twas a submarine. Not a mine,” said he. “They never gave our boys no chance. Na! She was a Yarmouth boat -we knew ‘em all. They never gave the boys no chance.”


Apparently, the skimmers would rather have been blown up by a mine than torpedoed by a submarine.  We’ve found that this ingrained fear still exists and has often worked to our benefit.

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History – Jolly Roger Use on Submarines

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Feb 152009
 

Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson VC, the Controller of the Royal Navy, stated in 1901 that, “Submarines are underhand, unfair and damned un-English.  The crews of all submarines captured should be treated as pirates and hanged”.

Subsequently, (via the Royal Navy Submarine Museum):

Lieutenant Commander (later Admiral Sir) Max Horton first flew the Jolly Roger-two flags in fact- on return to harbour after sinking the German cruiser Hela and the destroyer S-116 in 1914; but the Black Flag of old-time pirates was not generally flown by submarines, to show their successes, until the Second World War.

So, the Brits acknowledged early the suitability of these great vessels for piracy, although their use of the jolly roger was intended as an indicator of bravado and stealth rather than of lawlessness.

The good crew of the G.S. PATIENCE, though, prefer to exemplify the lawless tradition of the flag, and concur with the good Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson’s impression of the submarine’s potential.

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Royal Australian Navy Submarine, the HMAS Otama, (no longer?) for Sale on Ebay

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Feb 152009
 

The ultimate Christmas gift for the discerning sailor. Just log on to eBay, lodge any bid more than $4.9 million, and the 2000-tonne former Royal Australian Navy submarine, the HMAS Otama, could be yours.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find this listing on the Australian Ebay, so it may have been pulled or sold since this article was originally posted on The Australian online newspaper. Still, we’re keeping our eyes open.

More info from the article (WARNING:  sadness and shattered dreams ahead):

The story behind the bizarre firesale of this Cold War warrior, a prized piece of the nation’s military heritage, is far from festive. The forced sale of the Otama — the first RAN submarine offered on eBay — has broken the heart of the man who dreamed the vessel would one day restore the flagging fortunes of his home town of Hastings on Victoria’s Mornington Peninsula.

Max Bryant, president of the Western Port Oberon Association, said: “I’ve put 11 years of work into this, and all we have had is disappointment.”

Bought from the federal government in 2001 for $50,000, the decommissioned Otama was to take pride of place on the Hastings foreshore, providing an all-year tourist attraction for the small industrial town.

It was to be a noble end for the last of the Oberon Class boats, which spent much of its life from 1978 to 2000 conducting dangerous top-secret surveillance missions against Soviet targets off the coast of Vietnam.

Instead, Otama is fast rusting away in the waters of Western Port Bay, the victim of planning delays and false promises by Victorian government officials over seven years.

Update:  Found the Ebay listing and it looks like it was either changed since The Australian story was published or the original story was factually deficient.  The Ebay listing, now closed, seems to be requesting donations for the Hastings Cerberus Maritime Memorial Center.

Regardless, punishment for this miscommunication is in order.  The guilty parties will be identified and indifferent calibrations performed.

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Submarine Pirate History – 1937

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Feb 142009
 

In recent months at least 25 ships of British registry have been attacked in the Mediterranean, numerous Russian ships have been sunk, French merchantmen have been fired on. Last week the British destroyer Havock was also on Mediterranean patrol, off Alicante. Shooting past her went the long white wake of a submarine torpedo. Out crackled a message for help and whooshing overboard went a cylindrical depth charge, then another and another till seven had geysered salt water up into the air. The destroyer Hasty zipped at 38 knots to the rescue of her sister ship, but by the time she got there the surface of the sea was iridescent with oil. The mystery submarine had apparently been sunk. Two days later the British tanker Woodford was sunk by two torpedoes fired at point-blank range from a submarine whose identifying number had been crudely painted out.

It was the damned Italians, ne’er do wells and treacherous bastards, all. Submerged wrath, indeed. The Russians cried foul, but Italy cared not a bit.

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Whiskey Class History – You Must Go Home Again

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Feb 122009
 

TIME Magazine, 1981:

The released Soviet sub heads for port and hard questions

The antiquated gray submarine was towed part of the way down the channel it had navigated on its own ten days before. Finally it cast off. Then, joining the flotilla of naval vessels hovering anxiously beyond the twelve-nautical-mi. limit, Soviet “Whiskey”-class submarine No. 137 headed for its home base at Baltiysk, near the port of Kaliningrad. So ended, peacefully enough, the diplomatic uproar that began when Sweden discovered the sub on a reef in a restricted military zone only nine miles from Karlskrona, an ultrasensitive naval base on the Baltic Sea.

The rest of the story.

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The ‘pirate name’ quiz.

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Feb 072009
 

Stumbled across this.  Take the quiz and get a little write-up with your pirate name.  Good for killing time when not standing watch (only when we’re at periscope depth with the internet mast raised, of course).

My pirate name is:
Bloody Tom Flint

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it’s the open sea. For others (the masochists), it’s the food. For you, it’s definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you’re hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you’re easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

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