Nov 132011

As reported by the Wall Street Journal:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez gave a vague account Wednesday of the country’s military chasing off an unidentified foreign submarine allegedly caught trespassing in the South American nation’s territorial waters.

Chavez said the encounter with the mysterious vessel occurred Tuesday and “it took flight, it was chased, but escaped because it was much faster.” 

“Luckily our sailors and our people did not fall for provocation,” he said.

OK, Hugo, a few points: Continue reading »

Jul 162011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

Welcome to, the official Tall Tales of Felony and Failure website.  This glorious story is now available for your eReader devices at!

After discovering his ability to control time, Cranston Staigne embarks on a drunken escapade across three continents with his cohort Tom. During their travels, the pair commit numerous crimes, evade authorities, and cheat death. It’s magnificent decadence and dereliction as they explore unlimited power and unrepentant failure.

Continue reading »

Mar 072011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

The Swedes discovered a sunken Whiskey Class submarine at the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

A Swedish Navy spokesperson confirmed today that they have no interest in conducting further investigation into the matter. The Navy claims that pictures taken by the measurement company clearly show that the submarine had sunk while being towed (to be scrapped, it is assumed) and showed no signs of damage from external weaponry fire and therefore couldn’t have sunk while being on a covert mission in Swedish waters.

That’s what they want you to think, anyway. They’ve actually just located the PATIENCE Mk 1. We were wondering where we parked her. Thanks Swedes!

Fler bilder från ubåtsfyndet i Östersjön (foreign talk for pics of the vessel)

Also, buy my ebook!  It’s cheap and will rock your world!


Jan 072011
Submarine Pirate Ensign

By “Big Screen”, we mean internet site that lets you make YouTube videos using Legos or something.  I don’t know much, but I know you’ll love this bit of dramatization from soon-to-be (well, eventually, anyway) published tale, “Tall Tales of Felony and Failure”!  As much effort was applied in this production as was warranted!  Hurray!

Also, a never-seen-before sexy finish, like in Thailand!

A substandard existence meets little resistance.

Apr 232010
Submarine Pirate Ensign

From an angry blog lady’s internet website:

The good news is, apparently the crew on our ship didn’t take their cue from this bunch of Yahoos on the submarine USS Hartford, who rammed the USS New Orleans while slacking off, disappearing from their posts, and listening to iPods while navigating a US Submarine. Since this is the quality of sailor we are now recruiting, maybe the bathtub whackos might get lucky next time. I feel so much safer knowing that our new generation of Naval recruits are out there doing what they do best:   iPod Patrol.

Don’t blame her, though, she voted for Hillary, apparently justifying all uninformed statements she may make regarding submariners.

God bless her, and God bless you, Tiny Tim.

Aug 062009
Submarine Pirate Ensign

I recently stumbled across this internet story posted by a salty former O-Ganger, which included (I believe - I skimmed more than actually read the article) his small contempt for certain diesel powered submersibles. To this crusty lad, I provide assurances that quality ice cream can be made out of a turd, and that the PATIENCE’s archaic outer shell houses advancements in sound silencing he’s not considered. Her decks and major equipment float over magnetic fields so no acoustics will travel from them to the hull, and all of her coffee mugs are coated in plastisol.

I hope this self-proclaimed expert (italicized snidely) also reconsiders his uninformed impression of our submerged endurance. The PATIENCE’s diesel engines have been converted to run on a solution of Temerity, Courage, and Diligence, all of which we posses in no small supply. These monster engines then exhaust only Victory, which is delivered either directly inboard or to special purpose compressors for storage in our Victory Flasks (the revenue achieved through the sale of this bottled victory would surprise most). In emergency situations, the high-pressure victory stored in these flasks can also be vented directly to the ballast tanks, providing a guaranteed ascent to the surface in addition to the immediate destruction of our foes.

Because we can endlessly operate these engines at any depth without refueling, the only factor limiting the PATIENCE’s submerged operations is food for her devilish crew. We are not a finicky bunch. Dinty Moore can be (and often is) stowed anywhere and everywhere, so the always-steaming crockpot fills most voids and causes smiles.

In spite of all of our sly advancements and upgrades, though, the PATIENCE does operate under the assumption that a nuclear powered, subsurface watchdog is usually nearby (unless we are forced to ditch them) to monitor our Loyalty and protect our primary sponsor’s interests. As a matter of fact, we’ve established a Standard Operating Procedure to regularly execute fathometer soundings solely to broadcast our exact location, preventing potential submerged bumping caused by any deficiencies in our overseer’s broadband operator qualification process (DNSS).

I do acknowledge that our Captain would have been better served by purchasing a submersible designed specifically, from the ground up, to support our current mission types vice starting with a vessel that was initially, admittedly, unfit. The costs associated with the upgrades performed on our Wonderful Girl were staggering, and only now are true profits being realized. By the Captain’s own admission, though, he was out of sorts when he purchased her years ago, with only a vague vision of glory, fuzzy beneath his overwhelming, constant monologue of self derision.

Yesterday we returned from an extended underway, and last night was spent blissfully alone in my own bed. The cat, pleased with my return, shit on my exposed leg while I slumbered. The fecal smear was hard, flattened, and crackly when I woke, and peeling it off removed a swath of leg hair.  In retribution, I removed only two paw nails. I expect the reward for my compassion and restraint to be a lesser hell when I perish.  Those resting deep through my influence prevent me from heaven.

Mar 062009

I’ve just quit smoking, and the last five hours have been a little edgy, so please forgive any shortness or expletives.  That said, I’ve recently purchased Silent Hunter III (it’s been out for about four years) and am having a fantastic, while insanely frustrating, time playing it.

Fantastic, because you assume the role of a steely jawed, German speaking U-Boat skipper during WWII, wrath-handed and doom-leading.  If you captain well, your wake will fill with oil, fire, and death.

Frustrating, because my particular captaining skills apparently lack.   ‘ANGLE ON THE BOW?  WHO GIVES A SHIT?  SHOOT THE BASTARD!’  Well, sinking even huge, slow moving allied tankers, even from less than 3000 yards, isn’t that easy with unguided steam powered torpedoes if you don’t do the math and appropriately set all of your torpedo-computer-knob-things.  Or just change the game settings so all of that’s automatic (I later found out).

Overall, though, I’m having a good time with the game.  I bought it for $9.95 on Steam, but it’s also available for the same price here and here.  A fantastic mod is available as a direct downloand or torrent, and there’s also a great forum for the game.  Make sure you grab the v1.4b patch if the version you download isn’t already updated.

The game requirements state Windows XP/2000 only, but the Steam version runs fine on our Vista box, so I imagine the other download versions would, also.  YMMV.

There’s also a multiplayer option which I haven’t had a chance to try yet.  The PATIENCE‘s damn internet mast is on the fritz (get it?  Fritz!), preventing extended connectivity (I’ll be lucky to finish this post).  I’ll try to herd up some of the guys for a LAN match (after I get better at the game), though, and will report out with a full review after we’ve beaten the game into submission.

Silent Hunter IV is also available, but it’s not $9.95, so piss on it.


UPDATE: I cannot, with any integrity (as though there’s a lot of that laying about), provide a full review since I lack the patience to get into the full meat of the game.   Some pros/cons from my limited experience, though:

Continue reading »

Feb 162009
Submarine Pirate Ensign

The USS HARDER’s (SS 257) Fifth Patrol Report is online at the National Archive’s Navy Records site.  The three page report is also available right here on

Some prime examples of the crew’s unquantifiable excellence:

Bridge lookout sighted float type plane; – close.  Made quick dive to 120 feet.  Bomb exploded as we passed 75 feet; – also close!  The sub was thoroughly shaken and the event resulted in an early and prompt reveille for all hands but no damage of a serious nature was sustained.

At 3000 yards, both destroyers zigged 30 degrees to their right… and the picture became “just what the doctor ordered” for the HARDER.  At a range of 1000 yards on the nearest target, both destroyers were overlapping, with a 100 degree port track showing.  Gyros were near zero and torpedoes set for running at 6 feet.

Sighted aircraft… flying at a height of 100 feet, coming in off our starboard quarter and almost on top of us… He whizzed by the starboard beam at a range of about 100 yards!

Submerged to 150 feet.

First aerial bomb.  Not close.

Second aerial bomb; – damned close.  Increased depth to 200 feet.

And, in case you you think these events didn’t induce a pucker factor of at least 8 on the men experiencing them, a small, understated disclaimer is included in this report:

The above listed pandemonium may not be in exact chronological order but is as accurate as the happenings over that eventful few minutes can be remembered.

I can’t believe the amount of brass these WWII submariners carried onboard.  Submarine piracy via the G.S. PATIENCE may have its small adventures, but there is no way in hell we’d face off against two destroyers.  You can bank that promise.

On August 24th, 1944, during her following patrol, the HARDER and her crew were lost outside of Dasol Bay (Philippines).

At 0828 she (Japanese Patrol Boat No. 102) commenced a lethal series of depth charge runs, each charge set to detonate at a depth greater than the last. Somewhere below, the gallant HARDER was firmly bracketed, and the fifth salvo touched off explosions that finally ended the lives and career of HARDER and her entire crew.

Hit ‘Em Again, Harder.

Continue reading »

Feb 152009


By Rudyard Kipling


“Tin Fish”


The ships destroy us above
And ensnare us beneath.
We arise, we lie down, and we move
In the belly of death.

The ships have a thousand eyes
To mark where we come . . .
And the mirth of a seaport dies
When our blow gets home.


We agree with this poetous bastard.  A submariner’s life is a perilous life but, where they tread, doom follows.

In the case of the G.S. PATIENCE, doom and felony.

In The Fringes of the Fleet, Kipling also discussed the surface ship community’s low opinion of submarines:

The Trawlers seem to look on mines as more or less fairplay. But with the torpedo it is otherwise. A Yarmouth man lay on his hatch, his gear neatly stowed away below, and told me that another Yarmouth boat had “gone up,” with all hands except one. “‘Twas a submarine. Not a mine,” said he. “They never gave our boys no chance. Na! She was a Yarmouth boat -we knew ‘em all. They never gave the boys no chance.”

Apparently, the skimmers would rather have been blown up by a mine than torpedoed by a submarine.  We’ve found that this ingrained fear still exists and has often worked to our benefit.

Feb 152009

Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson VC, the Controller of the Royal Navy, stated in 1901 that, “Submarines are underhand, unfair and damned un-English.  The crews of all submarines captured should be treated as pirates and hanged”.

Subsequently, (via the Royal Navy Submarine Museum):

Lieutenant Commander (later Admiral Sir) Max Horton first flew the Jolly Roger-two flags in fact- on return to harbour after sinking the German cruiser Hela and the destroyer S-116 in 1914; but the Black Flag of old-time pirates was not generally flown by submarines, to show their successes, until the Second World War.

So, the Brits acknowledged early the suitability of these great vessels for piracy, although their use of the jolly roger was intended as an indicator of bravado and stealth rather than of lawlessness.

The good crew of the G.S. PATIENCE, though, prefer to exemplify the lawless tradition of the flag, and concur with the good Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson’s impression of the submarine’s potential.

Feb 152009

The ultimate Christmas gift for the discerning sailor. Just log on to eBay, lodge any bid more than $4.9 million, and the 2000-tonne former Royal Australian Navy submarine, the HMAS Otama, could be yours.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find this listing on the Australian Ebay, so it may have been pulled or sold since this article was originally posted on The Australian online newspaper. Still, we’re keeping our eyes open.

More info from the article (WARNING:  sadness and shattered dreams ahead):

The story behind the bizarre firesale of this Cold War warrior, a prized piece of the nation’s military heritage, is far from festive. The forced sale of the Otama — the first RAN submarine offered on eBay — has broken the heart of the man who dreamed the vessel would one day restore the flagging fortunes of his home town of Hastings on Victoria’s Mornington Peninsula.

Max Bryant, president of the Western Port Oberon Association, said: “I’ve put 11 years of work into this, and all we have had is disappointment.”

Bought from the federal government in 2001 for $50,000, the decommissioned Otama was to take pride of place on the Hastings foreshore, providing an all-year tourist attraction for the small industrial town.

It was to be a noble end for the last of the Oberon Class boats, which spent much of its life from 1978 to 2000 conducting dangerous top-secret surveillance missions against Soviet targets off the coast of Vietnam.

Instead, Otama is fast rusting away in the waters of Western Port Bay, the victim of planning delays and false promises by Victorian government officials over seven years.

Update:  Found the Ebay listing and it looks like it was either changed since The Australian story was published or the original story was factually deficient.  The Ebay listing, now closed, seems to be requesting donations for the Hastings Cerberus Maritime Memorial Center.

Regardless, punishment for this miscommunication is in order.  The guilty parties will be identified and indifferent calibrations performed.

Feb 142009

In recent months at least 25 ships of British registry have been attacked in the Mediterranean, numerous Russian ships have been sunk, French merchantmen have been fired on. Last week the British destroyer Havock was also on Mediterranean patrol, off Alicante. Shooting past her went the long white wake of a submarine torpedo. Out crackled a message for help and whooshing overboard went a cylindrical depth charge, then another and another till seven had geysered salt water up into the air. The destroyer Hasty zipped at 38 knots to the rescue of her sister ship, but by the time she got there the surface of the sea was iridescent with oil. The mystery submarine had apparently been sunk. Two days later the British tanker Woodford was sunk by two torpedoes fired at point-blank range from a submarine whose identifying number had been crudely painted out.

It was the damned Italians, ne’er do wells and treacherous bastards, all. Submerged wrath, indeed. The Russians cried foul, but Italy cared not a bit.

Feb 122009

TIME Magazine, 1981:

The released Soviet sub heads for port and hard questions

The antiquated gray submarine was towed part of the way down the channel it had navigated on its own ten days before. Finally it cast off. Then, joining the flotilla of naval vessels hovering anxiously beyond the twelve-nautical-mi. limit, Soviet “Whiskey”-class submarine No. 137 headed for its home base at Baltiysk, near the port of Kaliningrad. So ended, peacefully enough, the diplomatic uproar that began when Sweden discovered the sub on a reef in a restricted military zone only nine miles from Karlskrona, an ultrasensitive naval base on the Baltic Sea.

The rest of the story.